The tiny Asian man of Muhlenberg

Deep within the fortress of Muhlenberg, there lives a tiny Asian man. If you look just right, under the light of the moon, you can see him through the window in the upper left corner of the house. He’s frequently at his computer, sometimes half-naked, and always up to no good.

We’ve seen his secret dealings before. Just last night, in fact, five of us bore witness to his tiny Asian shenanigans. There are three leading theories surrounding the tiny Asian’s wacky behavior:

1. He is a big-time drug dealer. He puts the drugs in his mailbox, cars come by to pick up the drugs and drop off the money, then he comes back out to collect. Part of this theory involved exploding mailboxes, though I can’t for the life of me remember the specifics.

2. He has a time fetish, or more specifically, a fetish for anything that occured in the past. He writes letters to himself, puts them in his mailbox at night, and jerks off to them the next morning. We speculate that he would go absolutely bananas if he were to ever sit through a history class.

But due to the alarming rate at which he checks his mailbox, I’m more inclined to believe the third theory.

3. The tiny Asian man’s mailbox is similar to the one featured in the hit film “The Lake House,” starring Sandra Bullock and Neo from “The Matrix.” He’s communicating with someone in another time (again… fetish) and he is in love with them.

Regardless of what this tiny Asian man is up to, we’re certain his wife would not approve. Though we’ve only seen her once, we have reason to believe she waits for him to come to bed every night — only to lose out to her husband’s obsession with the computer, drugs and time.

More to come…

July 22, 2009 at 9:46 pm Leave a comment

Scout & Jem Finch are awesome

It was a super day in O.G. Click on that shit and read the definition. It’s appropriate.

Not appropriate, however, was the behavior of the wildlife. Wait, let me back track for a second. There was so much effing wildlife afoot today. Igrits and puppies (Biggie Smalls still doesn’t listen, just as he didn’t in life) and all sorts of other characters.

Our favorites were the turtles who felt comfortable enough to fuck right in front of us. And by fuck, I mean rape. I’m pretty sure turtles, like humans, don’t enjoy large strangers rising out of the sea pond behind them and surprising them with sex. You don’t have to say “no” in order for it to be rape. Turtles can’t talk.

Drinking Pom (excuse me, P<3m) in public makes me feel like a massive douche. Paying $5 for a drink I don’t even like makes me feel like a douche times 10.

And finally, this is probably the best thing we have ever seen scrawled on the walls of a public gazebo. Ever.

Scout & Jem Finch are awesome

July 12, 2009 at 10:01 pm Leave a comment


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