The tiny Asian man of Muhlenberg

July 22, 2009 at 9:46 pm Leave a comment

Deep within the fortress of Muhlenberg, there lives a tiny Asian man. If you look just right, under the light of the moon, you can see him through the window in the upper left corner of the house. He’s frequently at his computer, sometimes half-naked, and always up to no good.

We’ve seen his secret dealings before. Just last night, in fact, five of us bore witness to his tiny Asian shenanigans. There are three leading theories surrounding the tiny Asian’s wacky behavior:

1. He is a big-time drug dealer. He puts the drugs in his mailbox, cars come by to pick up the drugs and drop off the money, then he comes back out to collect. Part of this theory involved exploding mailboxes, though I can’t for the life of me remember the specifics.

2. He has a time fetish, or more specifically, a fetish for anything that occured in the past. He writes letters to himself, puts them in his mailbox at night, and jerks off to them the next morning. We speculate that he would go absolutely bananas if he were to ever sit through a history class.

But due to the alarming rate at which he checks his mailbox, I’m more inclined to believe the third theory.

3. The tiny Asian man’s mailbox is similar to the one featured in the hit film “The Lake House,” starring Sandra Bullock and Neo from “The Matrix.” He’s communicating with someone in another time (again… fetish) and he is in love with them.

Regardless of what this tiny Asian man is up to, we’re certain his wife would not approve. Though we’ve only seen her once, we have reason to believe she waits for him to come to bed every night — only to lose out to her husband’s obsession with the computer, drugs and time.

More to come…


Entry filed under: International Relations, Time Travel.

Scout & Jem Finch are awesome

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